Couch Potato: Juninho’s right, ‘football won’ during World Cup 2014

Brazil's Neymar leaps in the air to celebrate after scoring in the World Cup

Brazil's Neymar leaps in the air to celebrate after scoring in the World Cup

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An absolute shambles unfolded down in Belo Horizonte on Tuesday night for anyone who loves the beautiful game.

And not just Martin Keown’s BBC commentary: “Brazil are reliant on one player – Neymar at one end and Thiago Silva at the other.”

Germany's Toni Kroos celebrates scoring his side's fourth goal of the game with teammate Germany's Sami Khedira (6) and Miroslav Klose (left) during the FIFA World Cup Semi Final at Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, Brazil. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday July 8, 2014. See PA story SOCCER Germany. Photo credit should read: Mike Egerton/PA Wire. RESTRICTIONS: Editorial use only. No commercial use. No use with any unofficial 3rd party logos. No manipulation of images. No video emulation

Germany's Toni Kroos celebrates scoring his side's fourth goal of the game with teammate Germany's Sami Khedira (6) and Miroslav Klose (left) during the FIFA World Cup Semi Final at Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, Brazil. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday July 8, 2014. See PA story SOCCER Germany. Photo credit should read: Mike Egerton/PA Wire. RESTRICTIONS: Editorial use only. No commercial use. No use with any unofficial 3rd party logos. No manipulation of images. No video emulation

He wasn’t the only one having the mother of all stinkers, of course.

That the most extraordinary match ever played, Brazil’s 7-1 humiliation by Germany, happened on the biggest stage in their own backyard is the icing on what has been the greatest World Cup.

And while ITV’s shirts-and-shorts brigade successfully bottled the carnival better than the Beeb, it was Gary Lineker at the final whistle who said it better than anyone: “This is Brazil, for crying out loud.”

In so doing he won the battle of the anchors, despite a tendency to break into Alan Partridge: “I met Mario Kempes the other day. Great player. Lovely bloke.”

Argentina players celebrate victory in the penalty shoot-out during the FIFA World Cup Semi Final at the Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, Brazil. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Wednesday July 9, 2014. See PA story SOCCER Holland. Photo credit should read: Mike Egerton/PA Wire. RESTRICTIONS: Editorial use only. No commercial use. No use with any unofficial 3rd party logos. No manipulation of images. No video emulation

Argentina players celebrate victory in the penalty shoot-out during the FIFA World Cup Semi Final at the Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, Brazil. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Wednesday July 9, 2014. See PA story SOCCER Holland. Photo credit should read: Mike Egerton/PA Wire. RESTRICTIONS: Editorial use only. No commercial use. No use with any unofficial 3rd party logos. No manipulation of images. No video emulation

A-haaa!

Sadly, even Lineker couldn’t dodge that most deadly of BBC grenades, an ill-advised World Cup themed EastEnders trailer which it lobbed in during the Brazilian post-mortem analysis.

A shameful chapter that shows the Beeb is almost as detached from what viewers want as the soap is from reality.

And I’d just about recovered from Steve Wilson’s second-half intro too, with the score at 5-0: “Eins, zwei, drei, vier, thumped.”

HEARTACHE ... Janmaat, fourth from left, with his Holland team-mates as they lost on penalties to Argentina.

HEARTACHE ... Janmaat, fourth from left, with his Holland team-mates as they lost on penalties to Argentina.

It was almost inevitable, then, that ITV’s semi-final 24 hours later would be dire, goalless and make Adrian Chiles wish he’d gone for scissors instead of rock to Lineker’s paper when they were allotting matches.

In my imagination, anyway.

Holland v Argentina wasn’t only disappointing on the field.

Clive Tyldesley delivered his answer to Kenneth Wolstenholme’s “They think it’s all over”...

“I used to be poker-faced when I was watching my son playing. Barton Rovers, under 8s.”

Immortality beckons, Clive.

In the studio, Lee Dixon found himself admitting: “I talked to Nigel de Jong in the hotel the other day about his groin.”

Which explains the 500-yard restraining order.

With the exception of the excellent Guy Mowbray, drudgery has littered the commentary box this past month.

Captain Tactics Truck, Andy Townsend, predictably described Germany as “efficient”.

Mark Lawrenson stole Geoff Boycott’s “corridor of uncertainty” line.

Steve Wilson actually said out loud: “Perspiration hasn’t done the referee’s haircut any favours.”

And I was shouting: “Just talk about the sodding match!” at the telly long before Robbie Savage said mid-game: “I once had a tattoo. It was absolutely horrendous. I had it removed.”

None of this, however, can detract from the overwhelming beauty of Brazil 2014.

So it’s only right that the final word goes to one of their own, 2002 World Cup winner, Middlesbrough hero and BBC pundit Juninho, with the most gracious and humble comment imaginable immediately after the 7-1 thumping by Germany.

“I’m happy because football won.”

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Latest high-octane action from Big Brother.

Geordie narrator: “Day 32, 1.16pm. Marlon is asleep.”

“Day 34, 9.56pm. Marlon is still asleep.”

More updates as they come in.

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Call the men in white coats. EastEnders made me laugh on Friday night. Twice.

Both times thanks to the fledgling Billy Mitchell/Les Coker double act (nurture it wisely, BBC) with the lines: “Should you drop the deceased on the floor again the words, ‘Oops, butterfingers’, probably are not what the grieving relatives want to hear.”

And undertaker Les to Billy: “You do have the mournful look.”

It didn’t make up for Monday, though. A word-for-word rip-off of Friends’ The One Where Everybody Finds Out episode (“They don’t know we know they know”) a week after copying Breaking Bad.

EastEnders. You heard it here second.

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I expected to be doing an Alloa accent and dismissing BBC1’s Alan Hansen testimonial Player and Pundit as: “Terrible. Dear oh dear oh dear.”

But it was a brilliant tribute to the finest football pundit around.

Gems included his old Partick Thistle team photo apparently styled on the Bay

City Rollers, chatting up his future wife Jan by saying he worked in insurance, his banter with Souness and Dalglish (a ready-made Top Gear replacement).

And both his kids unable to do his accent.

Terrible. Dear oh dear oh dear.

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This week’s ITV’s The Chase Answer of the Week award goes to...

“According to the House at Pooh Corner, Tiggers don’t like what foodstuff?”

“Twiglets.”

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This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...

BBC News’s Fiona Bruce turning into the Juan Sheet guy with her ridiculous pronunciation of football legend Alfredo di Stefano.

The inclusion of Dancing in the Street and the omission of Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m Yours in The Nation’s Favourite Motown Song top 20.

The One Show’s Alex Jones feeling the need to point out she and guests Manic Street Preachers are Welsh.

Mark Cavendish and Chris Froome failing to stay upright in the Tour de France.

And a payday loans advert voiceover racing through the small-print at mach eight: “Introducing Sunny, a new way to borrow up to £1,000 when you need it. AtRepresentative1971%APRVariable.”

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Geordie Shore has been banned from filming in Blackpool amid fears it will look like Britain’s Magaluf.

Erm, do you want to tell Blackpool or shall I?

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This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...

The One Show’s Alex Jones asking Pamela Stephenson, wearing a huge Mardi Gras headdress, for an answer “with your psychologist’s hat on”.

BBC4’s Storyville: The Lance Armstrong Story – Stop At Nothing, with his Nike advert voiceover: “What am I on? I’m on my bike.” (Oh, and all the drugs.)

GMB’s Andi Peters forgetting ITV’s breakfast show’s name on which the Spice Girls performed Wannabe 18 years ago because: “It’s changed so often.” And will again, don’t you worry.

And life-affirming OAPs Behaving Badly’s “shot-loving granny Cheryl”: “My motto is if you can’t remember it, it didn’t happen.” So let’s all try really hard to forget Stand By Your Man. Maybe it didn’t happen.

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The One Show’s Matt Baker: “We want to know the most unusual thing you’ve found on a beach.”

The Hoff?

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A groundbreaking format with John Bishop’s Australia, if you never saw Billy Connolly and Ross Noble’s travelogues down under.

He’s “retracing the route from Sydney to Cairns” he cycled 22 years ago, by going an entirely different way, and getting the BBC to pick up the tab.

Highlight? Bishop asking: “Is Chlamydia a new disease to koalas?”

Vet Shane Flanagan: “You don’t really see it in the bush.”

I think you’ll find that’s exactly where you see it.