Countless career paths lie before a humble television presenter.
But you’d really have to go some to out-weird that of Channel 4’s Mark Evans.
He’s a vet whose on-screen CV reads: “Bigfoot Files (searched for the Abominable Snowman but found five bears, three cows, three horses, two dogs, one deer, a racoon, a porcupine, one person and a piece of fibre glass).
“Foxes Live (met a bloke who’d kept one of the animals in his freezer for two years “with a couple of dead squirrels for company”).”
And who could forget: “Easter Eggs Live (two hours staring at eggs not hatching in a Perspex box).”
So for his latest escapade he’s taken the next logical step.
Attempting to explain the Holocaust.
You heard correctly.
It’s called Dead Famous DNA and, in his own words: “I’m constantly looking to scoop up body parts of historical figures,” which he takes to a lab to extract the genetic codes and explain personality traits and undiagnosed health problems.
Horizon it ain’t.
It’s dressed up as worthy, pioneering science but delivered like a dreadful spoof with knowing glances to camera to rival Harry Hill as the experts, usually out of focus so as not to detract from Evans, relay their findings.
He’ll willingly hand over a small fortune to weirdos and probably con artists to get his mucky paws on the (authentically highly dubious) former bits of the famous.
And more often than not, the lab discovers they don’t contain enough DNA for testing.
Evans blew £6,000 on locks of Marilyn Monroe and JFK’s hair which were damaged beyond repair by sunlight and £3,000 having been suckered by this yarn: “A huge clump of Mad King George III’s hair ends up on a rubbish dump in a hat box in the middle of America. You couldn’t write this stuff!”
That’s because it’s a wig, you doughnut.
He even resorts to emotional blackmail when all else fails, telling an Elvis Presley superfan who refused to part with The King’s wart: “Imagine how disappointed Elvis fans the world over are going to be with you.”
There was still hope, however: “I’ve received a tip-off that a friend of Elvis’s barber has a whole jarful of hair cuttings.”
And with no proof offered, he paid “Elvis’s barber’s friend” £1,200.
Which did at least lead to the finding Elvis, or whosever hair it was, had a dicky ticker.
It’s all leading to Wednesday’s finale when scorched fragments of “Hitler’s rib and Eva Braun’s neck bone” will be tested in Belgium by the world’s only team of geneticists not mad enough to say no.
But it will have a task topping this week’s episode with Evans trying and failing to buy Napoleon’s willy, supposedly, after squandering £1,800 on a lock of the Little General’s hair to cross-match the DNA with his, ahem, little general.
Staring at it, Evans gasped: “If that is Napoleon’s penis sitting on my knees, the last place I would’ve expected to find it is New Jersey.
“It’s strange how the withered penis has ventured further around the world than Napoleon did.”
You say that. But unlike “the withered penis”, Napoleon didn’t have Channel 4 funding his trips.
Back to last night and another winner of The Voice begins their journey into pop obscurity.
A series personified by Marvin “we was trending worldwide” Humes, TV’s blandest presenter, livened up only by will.i.am swearing on live TV and the addition of Ricky Wilson and Kylie Minogue, who’ll doom the show if she leaves.
Tom Jones missed the entire point, saying of his final two acts: “You can’t pick one over the other.”
And the live shows had these comments...
Kylie: “You looked amazing.” Tom: “You look like a star.” Emma Willis: “She’s got an incredible pair of legs.” Emma again: “Sensational performance but what an incredible dress.”
Because it’s “all about the voice”, huh?
This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...
BBC2’s The Trip To Italy.
Timothy West acting the EastEnders cast out of their socks.
Gary Barlow’s cutting putdown to The Michael McIntyre Chat Show host: “You’re my wife’s second favourite comedian.”
Newsnight’s Stephen Smith reporting on Wu-tang Clan’s new album being available only at art galleries: “For me this has absolutely virtuoso shizzle.”
Jockey School’s no-nonsense course manager Malcolm Bygrave dealing with the stuck-up little toe rags sent there: “They’re stroppy teenagers. We’ll soon knock them out.”
And Loose Woman Andrea McLean announcing: “Brace yourselves, we’re going to be taking off all our make-up live on air later.” For anyone who missed the previous night’s The Walking Dead finale.
A Saharan cloud of toxic dust drifts over Britain.
And with air pollution warnings at maximum, asthmatic Daybreak guest Eddie Connor told Aled Jones the serious dangers to his health...
“I’ve had a really bad couple of days and it’s getting worse by the minute.
“It’s like all my worst nightmares. I’ll be staying inside all day. It’s terrifying.
“I have tightening of the chest, I’m struggling for breath, I can’t be out in it, I’m...”
Being interviewed outside on the roof.
This week’s Maths Whizz award goes to...
Loose Woman Kaye Adams discussing soaring birth rates of mums over 50: “It’s now five a week so we’re talking about just over 150 women a year.”
“Just over” being 250, Kaye?
With the law changed to allow same-sex marriage, grooms Benjamin Till and Nathan Taylor shared their big day with C4 viewers, writing and staging their entire wedding at Alexandra Palace as a musical.
The result was Our Gay Wedding: The Musical featuring snippets of song from Erasure’s Andy Bell, Michael Ball, Corrie’s Hayley Cropper, Rufus Hound, a tone-deaf Jon Snow and the entire congregation.
And though I hate to admit such a thing in this day and age, it merely deepened my long-held hate and prejudices.
So apologies to everyone offended by this next statement.
I can’t stand musicals.
The One Show’s Matt Baker explaining Game of Thrones: “It’s a little bit like the entire 29 years of EastEnders with all the believable storylines removed and everybody’s dressed up like a hobbit.”
Believable EastEnders storylines?
Now that is fantasy.
This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...
This Morning devoting its Tuesday newspaper review to April Fool’s stories while pretending to treat them as genuine. (Ha-de-bloody -ha-ha.)
Holly Willoughby inventing the word: “Mischievious.”
The Voice control freak nightmare Christina Marie, who broke the mould by being able to sing, mind.
Jockey School turning out not to be a search for the next Jocky Wilson.
And Michael McIntyre opening his interview with Nigella Lawson, the guest they all want, with the brutally probing: “How do you make fudge?”
Whoa there, Michael. She’s been through a tough time. Go easy on her.
Sky Sports F1’s Martin Brundle explaining the intricacies of the five-second stop-go penalty: “It’s different to a 10-second penalty.”
About five seconds different, by my calculations.