THIS is the time of year when lazy TV executives rehash old footage of the previous 12 months and serve it back to the viewer as a so-called Review of the Year.
To give the impression that some sort of effort has gone into the production, they buy up a load of C-list celebrities to make vacuous comments on the regurgitated events.
It’s cheap, insulting and, to be quite frank, demeaning to all.
Which is why, when recycling snippets from my columns over the last year, you won’t catch me forking out money for celebrities.
Here’s my look back on the year in a kind of awards ceremony format, without comment from Charlotte Church, Olly Murs or Eamonn Holmes. But with sincere apologies to my wife...
January’s Booze Buster Award
This goes to my wife for her comment on how she could reconcile drinking alcohol while supposedly abstaining from drink for the whole of January.
She said: “Mine’s a Dry January … with scattered showers.”
Dismissive Quote of the Year
Tyne and Wear fire chief Tom Capeling on being asked, after the closure of Sunderland Central Community Fire Station was announced, how fire engines from outside the city would get across the Wearmouth Bridge during rush hour?
“The use of the blue lights will help us,” he said.
Natural History Star of the Year
My wife again. After a trip to Flamingo Land, my wife on seeing the fantastic ring-tailed lemurs and Siberian tigers decided to educate our two boys on the important work that the half-zoo, half-theme park does for animal conservation.
“Don’t you think it’s fascinating that they are working hard to save the long-eared lepers,” she told them. Long-eared lepers?
“And to think,” she added. “If it wasn’t for conservation groups like these, there’d be no sabre-toothed tigers left in the world.”
United Nations Award
Goes to Geordie Shore star Charlotte Crosby, who landed herself her own TV show in which she is flown around the world to experience different cultures.
After being told she was flying out to Tokyo, in Japan, she responded: “OMG, I can’t believe I’m going to China.”
Weights and Measures Trophy
My son Isaac. When asked how much toilet roll was left in the bathroom, he bellowed across the house ...
“Only enough for about two poos.”
Dead Clever Award
My wife again. For her fabulous Michellisms. When convinced she was suffering from the health condition that makes you fall unconscious at the drop of a hat, she told friends, in a packed pub: “I think I may have necrophilia.”
I believe she meant narcolepsy.
Michael Gove Special Commend-ation
My son Isaac again. This time for his illuminating description of the education system.
“School’s like a prison,” he said. “A prison where you learn things.”
Way with Words Crown
Goes to my wife … when asked if she still has a fear of flying, she responded with this little heard phrase: “Does a monkey dump in the woods?”
The ‘I Reckon She’ll Divorce Me After This One’ Award
My wife again. When explaining Archimedes’ Principle to our son as part of his maths homework, she expressed some uncertainty as to the story behind Archimedes.
She said: “It’s the one where the little Dutch boy sticks his finger in the dam, isn’t it?”
I could go on, but I fear for my health and happiness in 2015.
If you have any alternative awards you’d like to hand out, please do drop me a line and I’ll print the best.
Recycling is the best way forward.
Email me on firstname.lastname@example.org or follow on twitter @DickyO