RICHARD ORD: Dead fish followers hold sway in EU vote

Charlotte Crosby. Inny our outy?
Charlotte Crosby. Inny our outy?

If anything terrible happens to me,” my wife earnestly remarked, “you will check the vegetable drawer of the fridge regularly won’t you? The veg goes off so quickly these days.”

As dying wishes go, I think I’ve got off lightly.

Should a terrible accident befall my wife, she can rest easy knowing that I will check the best-before date on those spring onions, scan the mange tout for signs of mould, and then, probably, put that call into the emergency services.

“Ambulance, come quick, she’s been trapped under a wardrobe for 30 minutes… I would have phoned earlier, but I was checking the spuds…”

It’s what she would have wanted.

My wife is one for the strangest of utterances. She once made me solemnly promise that, should she end up in a coma, that I would make sure her eyebrows were regularly plucked.

Yeah, but while I’m doing that, who’s checking the veg? I can’t be in two places at once.

It’s good to know that she’s thinking ahead.

While the rest of the nation concerns itself with the EU Referendum, in the Ord household it’s mouldy veg and eyebrows.

Though I did overhear my two boys talking about the importance of good grades and hard work. Our eldest, Bradley, 15, was trying to instil a work ethic in his younger brother.

Our Isaac, 12, reckoned he had the system sussed.

Not for him, rising through the ranks to be top dog.

“By my reckoning there’s about 180 people in my year at school,” he told his brother. “I’ll park myself at 90.”

Our Isaac has my 1970s comprehensive schoolboy sensibilities.

Keep your head down. Never put your hand up. Academic excellence is the surest way to getting your head flushed down the toilet by big lads.

Elsewhere, the EU debate rumbles on. I think I’m an inny.

I was surprised to discover that Charlotte Crosby, she of Celebrity Big Brother fame, is voting out. With nigh on 2.9 million followers on the social networking site Twitter she holds some sway with the voting public.

Turns out she was voting herself out of Geordie Shore, not Europe. She’s yet to declare where she stands on the EU referendum.

Given her claims to fame are drinking, bedwetting and tantrums, it has always concerned me that she has so many devoted followers.

Particularly when you consider the follower numbers of local MPs like Hartlepool’s Iain Wright (6,856), South Shields’ Emma Lewell-Buck (6,793) or Houghton and Sunderland South MP Bridget Phillipson (12,600).

Not much influence there, methinks. To give you an idea of how little online influence they have, Charlotte Crosby’s pet goldfish Scramble and Eggs have 13,800 followers, and they died three years ago!

Hope someone checked their veg drawer...