Richard Ord: If you’re sweating, you’re doing it wrong – the first rule of my Ordinary Bloke’s Work-Out Video

Trisha Paytas enters the Celebrity Big Brother house at Elstree Studios in Borehamwood, Herfordshire. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday August 1, 2017. See PA Story SHOWBIZ CBB. Photo credit should read: Ian West/PA Wire
Trisha Paytas enters the Celebrity Big Brother house at Elstree Studios in Borehamwood, Herfordshire. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday August 1, 2017. See PA Story SHOWBIZ CBB. Photo credit should read: Ian West/PA Wire

I returned home from seven days in Spain last week topping the scales at a whopping 12 stone. At just 4ft 3ins tall, it’s a cause for concern.

Fortunately, I’m not 4ft 3ins tall so I’m not that concerned. I’m 5ft 10ins. But since it was the first time I had tipped the scales at 12 stone, it was clear some sort of exercise regime to remove the excess fat was in order.

I had toyed with bringing out my own celebrity work-out fitness video to chart my battle back to my usual weight of 11-and-a-half stone.

It was going to be called the Ordinary Bloke’s Work-Out Fitness Video, but after watching one episode of Celebrity Big Brother I reckon anyone with a Facebook account and an inability to hold their drink now counts as a celebrity.

Andy Warhol once said in the future we’d all be famous for 15 minutes. That time has come for Channel 5 which has such household names as Karthik Negason, Brandi Glanville and Trisha Paytas among its ‘celebrity’ line up. Who hell they?

Of course, I appreciate, that failing to have heard of those dubbed by people under the age of 21 to be famous is a trait of growing old. But, I ask you, when was the last time you ever heard mention of a Chad Johnson?

The cause of my ballooning weight was a week-long stay in and all-inclusive hotel near Salou. A Spanish town, were, incidentally, I enjoyed my first (and last) 18 to 30 holiday. I believe I still hold the record for being the only lad on a 18-30s holiday never to pull - but that’s another story.

Since returning home I’ve hit the gym big style. To be fair I’ve been going for a few months now, but the writing is on the wall. Every week it’s the same old faces working out, and a year down the line there has been no discernible change in me or those around me. That tells its own story.

The gym boasts the latest in multi functional muscle building work stations. In truth they function as over-designed seats. Half the gym-users spend the majority of their time sitting on the machines flicking through Facebook on their mobiles or staring into middle distance (they call it ‘resting between sets’).

I don’t mind waiting too long for a machine. I use that time to perfect my ability to untangle earphone cables.

I can do it in under 4 minutes 30 seconds - the world record for untangling earphone cables is one minute 37 seconds. Gives me something to aim for.

Gym etiquette says you should wipe down your machine after use. They have paper towels available to dab up the excess sweat.

My etiquette is to not sweat in the first place. It’d be the first rule of my Ordinary Bloke’s Work-Out Video: If you’re sweating, you’re doing it wrong.

There’d be other rules but the majority of the video will feature me using a chest press machine as La-Z-Boy reclining seat telling the viewer over and over again to eat less, walk more and use the stairs. I reckon it’s a winner. What do you think?