RICHARD ORD: My wife’s phrase-mangling is a sight for sore thighs

Don't let the tail wag the donkey.
Don't let the tail wag the donkey.

My wife has been quiet on the old Michelle-isms front recently, but bounced back in style this week.

Which is just as well, as I was beginning to despair. I married her not only out of love, but for the column inches she could supply.

The number of girls I rejected for failing to be newspaper column material is, by its very nature, not worth writing about.

When my wife and I married we tailored the vows to suit our personalities and individual working needs.

I insisted that she say “I do” not only to taking me to be her lawful wedded husband “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health,” but also “for having every verbal slip-up and personal mishap chronicled in the local newspaper … till death us do part.”

And after reading what I’ve written about her in the past, she has, on numerous occasions, tried to hasten that parting herself.

“Till death by frying pan blow to the head in your sleep, us do part.” So to speak.

It’s thanks to this column that I have perfected the art of sleeping with one eye open.

My wife’s wedding vow request was much less complicated. She just insisted that I “love, honour and obey.”

In fact, she was happy losing the ‘love’ and ‘honour’. It was her legal team that insisted on the ‘obey.’

This column was half the reason I agreed to have children. When the midwife presented our firstborn to me, and cried: “It’s a boy!”, perhaps a more apt exclamation would have been: “It’s a walking anecdote generator!”

Just recently, the antics of my children have been filling this column while my wife has fallen away badly.

Until this week that is, when her phrase-mangling made a welcome return.

Her Michelle-isms, where she accidentally mixes up popular phrases, have kept me in clover for years.

This week she added a new one to the collection, which means I can now do a top eight. Her latest comes in at number eight, and referred to my inability to control our children. Here’s her top muddled Michelle-isms ...

1. On intelligence … “He’s as sharp as a button.”

2. On risque jokes … “They’re skating close to the wind.”

3. On a successful return … “the greatest comeback since Barabbas.”

4. On being angry … “I could commit blue murder.”

5. On death … “The guinea pig is jam and bread.”

6. On intelligence, again … “He’s not the brightest star in the box.”

7. On taking risks … “You ought to stick your head above the precipice a bit more often.”

8. On taking control … “It’s a case of the tail wagging the donkey.”

If any of the above sound okay to you, then you really must meet the wife. You’d get on like a two peas on fire.

• If you have any Michelle-isms to share, send them to Richard at the usual address. The best will be printed.