RICHARD ORD: Christmas was a lot less bovver than a hover

Aah! The look on the back of their heads at Christmas is just magical.
Aah! The look on the back of their heads at Christmas is just magical.
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It was a good Christmas judging by the look on the back of our children’s heads.

That’s all we’ve seen. The backs of their heads as they tear up marauding cyborgs on their video games.

They seem happy. Well, they’re silent, which is good enough for me.

Santa wasn’t entirely forthcoming with the gifts for our two boys. A couple of things on their Christmas list didn’t arrive.

I was tempted to explain to them that Christmas is more than just about receiving presents, it’s about giving, being with family and counting your blessings, but I wasn’t in the mood.

Instead, I blamed George Osborne’s austerity budget for their paucity of gifts.

Planting the seeds of mistrust in the government of the day will set them in good stead for the future. At least that’s what I think. It’s a gift that keeps on giving.

The hoverboard on our Isaac’s Christmas list didn’t make the cut. We went one better … hoversocks!

They work on the same principle as the hoverboard. That principle being just adding the word hover to the front of an object to cash in at Christmas.

Have you seen the hoverboard? It couldn’t be more unlike the Back to the Future hoverboard of the movie if it tried.

For one, it doesn’t hover. Which, I would argue, is the minimum requirement of a hoverboard. It’s on wheels.

The ‘board’ bit is also misleading. Rather than resembling a surfboard, or skateboard, it looks like you’re standing on two bicycle pedals welded together. The direction of movement is also suspect.

Hoverboards in the movie zip through the air like floating surfboards, arrow-like. The hoverboards in the shops tootle along sideways, erm, crab-like!

They are not so much hoverboards as incomplete Segways. One suspects marketing them as ‘Incomplete Segways’ would not have proved so lucrative.

Isaac, aged 11, was not impressed with his hoversocks.

“They’re just socks,” he said.

“Jump,” I told him. “Then they’ll be in the air more than the hoverboard.”

Jeez, the look he gave me! I know what I’ll be getting him for Christmas next year … a sense of humour.

Which fortunately I received many Christmas’s ago. Which is just as well, judging by the presents that landed for me.

What do you get the man who has everything? Work shirts, egg cups and a Toblerone, apparently.

For once, however, I got a present that I did ask for – a pair of slippers in my size.

In previous years, I’ve asked for slippers, only to be presented with a pair about three sizes too big.

For a while I thought my wife was either trying to kill me (have you tried walking down stairs in oversized slippers?) or hinting that I should try out for the British ski jump team. My slippers were as long as skis.

As for my wife, I got her what I always get her at Christmas... a Boxing Day trip into town to exchange the Christmas presents I bought for her. Well, it keeps her fit.