RICHARD ORD: On the third day God created selfie-sticks

On the third day God created selfie sticks.
On the third day God created selfie sticks.

Evolution is just too slow, don’t you think?

A case in point is that couple in the news this week who were warned they face a £2,500 fine for using an electronic anti-child siren to chase away the next door neighbour’s noisy kids.

The Mitchells, from Ipswich, used a device called the Ultrasonic Teen Deterrent after being driven to the distraction by the neighbour’s “screaming” children.

The gadget works by emitting a high-pitched wail.

The surprise, for me, is the noise scared off any children at all. High-pitched wailing in our house attracts the kids. Have you heard X Factor lately?

As soon as the contestants start their screeching, our kids come running.

Ipswich City Council have threatened to fine the Mitchells unless they cease sounding the siren.

The device has a number of settings. When the neighbour’s 10-year-olds were in the garden, they set the deterrent to be heard only by pre-teens. When the parents began to annoy the Mitchells, they set the gadget to adult-mode. Presumably that is the full Sam Smith.

We are a society which is becoming too reliant on technology.

It’s as if we are wholly dissatisfied with what nature has provided.

God or evolution (or both) just hasn’t done a good enough job.

There was a time when shouting at kids to shut up was socially acceptable.

When I was growing up, one of our neighbours used to come out with a bucket of water to pour over children if he thought they were too loud.

These days even that’s too much of a chore. Let technology take over.

People want an app, device or gadget for everything. Our children are growing up expecting the same.

The selfie-stick and dog ball thrower are just two modern devices which are our way of telling God he’s made human arms too short.

The mobile phone, too, is replacing our eyes and memory.

Go to a concert these days and, where once the audience were waving lighters, today they are holding up their phones to record the event. It’s as if the event hasn’t taken place unless it’s been downloaded on a phone.

“Good concert last night?”

“Here, see for yourself.”

“Can’t you just tell me?”

The market for Ultrasonic Teen Deterrents is a message to God hinting that our gobs aren’t big or loud enough.

No complaints on that score in the Ord household. My wife and kids are way ahead of the evolutionary curve when it comes to volume. They think nothing of holding conversations in separate rooms and, quite often, on separate floors.

If their voices continue to develop they will make the mobile phone obsolete. They can bellow a conversation across continents.

While evolution or God may be dissatisfying most, for me, nature got it just right when it made the fingers a perfect fit for the ears. Mitchells take note.