RICHARD ORD: Playing it smoothie with the Nutri-Ninja

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As part of the Ord family health drive (or, more accurately, the soon-to be abandoned new year resolution) my wife invested in a smoothie-making machine.

The Nutri-Ninja now takes pride of place on the kitchen bench. A monument to healthy eating.

The kids have been raiding the fridge and blending everything in sight. And believe me, if it’s not nailed down it goes in the Nutri-Ninja.

With our two boys, however, every third ingredient appears to be a scoop (or two) of ice cream. Not exactly the healthy eating extolled by experts.

I tried one of our Isaac’s smoothies. Very nice, though, unusually, a little crunchy!

“Ah yes,” our Isaac, 11, admitted, “I forgot to take the stone out of the peach.”

Schoolboy error, though I believe in the health trade, this can be passed off as added fibre. Roughage if you will.

The Nutri-Ninja name also amuses.

Ninjas were a sword-wielding mercenary spies employed, primarily, in 15th century feudal Japan.

They were a kind of badass Samurai whose abilities became the stuff of legend.

So much so that folklore suggests they could walk on water, control the elements and, clearly, whip up a banana and blueberry smoothie in the blink of an eye.

In my book, the Nutri-Ninja falls into the same bracket as the dog-ball thrower. You know, those plastic flexible sticks which dog walkers use to throw balls for their dogs.

They’re for lazy people.

Just as the dog walkers are too lazy to throw balls for their dogs, so Nutri-Ninja users are just people too lazy to eat fruit.

Why eat an apple when you can liquidize it in a blender and drink it down?

And much like the Hoverboards on sale at Christmas are inaccurately named, so too are the Nutri-Ninjas. The only connection to the Ninja warriors of days gone by, that I can see, is the appearance of a blade.

Though the blades in the Nutri-Ninja are some way off those of a Samurai sword. Less Samurai sword; more nail file.

Forget Nutri-Ninja, this is a Food Chewer.

“Sick of moving your jaw up and down to eat apples and bananas?

“Let our machine chew it for you. All you have to do is open your mouth, pour and swallow. We take the chew out of eating.”

That said, I believe the Nutri-Ninja will aid the health of one member of the family. That being me!

When the novelty of the Nutri-Ninja has worn off, I’ll get some good exercise climbing up the loft ladders to box up the Nutri-Ninja and store it away forever.

•So sad to see the Thin White Duke David Bowie shuffle off this mortal coil (or die, as some put it so bluntly.) Rumour has it Bowie was asked if he had any last words for his many loyal fans on Wearside.

I understand he was heard to whisper: “Goodbye Newcastle.”