ONSIDE: Newcastle United’s deadline day hopes and fears

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PPPSSSHH. A joke for you to begin football transfer deadline day with.

The window may shut at 11pm tonight. But Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has been given until 11.04pm.

I thank you.

Many would argue that the biggest joke on transfer deadline day is transfer deadline day itself.

A day hijacked by Sky Sports and portrayed as being as important as the General Election.

Who needs “Conservatives regain regain North Warwickshire” flashing across the bottom of your television screen, after all, when you have got “Middlesbrough regain Danny Graham” (now there’s one deal that would be funny)?

The joke has not been lost on Newcastle United and their long-suffering fans on previous deadline days.

Is it really two years since star striker Andy Carroll was sold for £35m to Liverpool without any replacement bought in?

As for today, I’m hoping for a quiet one for the Magpies.

Sure there will be the odd false dawn to keep Sky Sports reporter David Craig occupied outside the steps of St James’s Park.

Perhaps a three shillings and sixpence bid at the 11th hour for someone with only six months left on their contract at a club in the brown stuff financially.

Nor would it surprise me if yesterday’s man Danny Simpson slipped out of the back door for £500,000 to be nearer celebrity love Tulisa at a Fulham or West Ham of this world.

But Newcastle, quite sensibly by past standards, appear to have got all their incoming business done before today’s bun fight after spending around £18m this month on their five new French signings.

While a £6m bid for Burnley striker Charlie Austin would not go amiss, I am quite happy, or should that be ’appy, for Queens Park Rangers’ manager ’Arry Redknapp to dominate our television screens again from his driver’s seat.

Just as long as he does not end up buying any of our blue chip brigade.