Bob Mortimer's best quotes: 45 of the Middlesbrough comedian's funniest jokes from Train Guy to Gone Fishing

We take a look at Middlesbrough comic Bob Mortimer’s funniest jokes, from Train Guy to Peter Beardsley

Tuesday, 18th February 2020, 1:36 pm
Updated Tuesday, 18th February 2020, 5:06 pm
Bob Mortimer has delighted viewers with his appearances on Gone Fishing and his hilarious Twitter output (BBC)

Artfully skewering the self-important business commuter, Train Guy is one of Middlesbrough comedian Bob Mortimer’s finest creations to date.

Infrequently uploaded to Twitter, the minute-long sketches feature Mortimer of Vic and Bob fame spouting pretentious business jargon gibberish at unseen colleague ‘Col’, over a video call.

Musing about trips to “success city” (London) and jibbering nonsense “banter” (that will be all too familiar to regular commuters) the clips typically go viral on release.

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But these are just the latest creation of a comedian who has produced hundreds of wonderfully bizarre comedy sketches via the surreal Athletico Mince podcast (also featuring Sunderland comic Andy Dawson).

Active for 34 years, the comic also boasts a catalogue of uproarious – and at times bizarre – moments from TV shows Shooting Stars, Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing and Vic and Bob’s Big Night Out.

Here are some of his funniest lines – most of which will baffle you, but isn’t that the point?

The best of Train Guy

“Ya,ya. Hi, hi Colin, yeah yeah. Off to London, head office. Yeah London! Yeah, city of success, yeah.”

“You have a good Crimbo-mas? Booze-a-thon-a-ding-dong, I bet.”

“They say the lifts there are so wift that your t**s kiss you b******g on the way up.”

“Have a campachoochoo on me, Col.”

“As always you are, very much, a lonely heron.”

“You are, as always, a vigorous pigeon.”

“You are, as always, a disgruntled pug.

“You are, as always, a peaceful ferret.”

“You are, of course, as always, a male insect.”

“You’re an adult wolf, Col.”

“Look at you with your new specs. Red frames: Vision express yourself!”

“He wants us to bat and ball some abstractions that might be actionable at a later date.”

We’ve got to mind-fart the living s**t out of this until the perfect bubble rises.”

“It’s just ROFLs.”

“I’m on the outskirts of London, ya, Superbia.”

“Network not fretwork, gotcha.”

“Holiday Inn? Nice. Their pillows shine bright – more give in them than Oxfam.”

“The Lyntonator wants us to do a bend-back on the commission figures for the Crawley branch, so we better get in a virtual loop.

“I’m on the services on the M3: the London to Glasto dreamway.”

“Having a campachoochoo, it’s a guest blend, taste of success.“

Jeff Lynton’s going to be there, he’s pitching me an idea for a rabbit hutch with CCTV, yeah, I likey, likey.

“Just off to London, Achievement City for a bit of Re-cupe-mon.”

“Like driving an Aston Martin at a fox, quite a rush-a-doodle-do.”

“Probably get myself some designer clobber, maybe some River Island or Moss Bros. something like that.“

“As always, Bella Campaggio.”

Best of Peter Beardsley’s “jokes”, as heard on Athletico Mince

Though Athletico Mince features a range of genius characters, Mortimer’s best creation on the football-themed podcast is his hilariously reimagining of Peter Beardsley as a glum joke-teller.

Here are some of Peter’s best “jokes”:

“I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.”

“My mates in love with 2 school bags. He’s bi satchel.”

“I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me the splits. He said well how flexible are you? I said, I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

“I went in the shop and said can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood. I said where’s he then?”

“I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener, i said you don’t need a tin opener for a banana he said no this is for fucking custard.”

“I told me wife I got a job at the bowling alley. Ten pin she said. No it’s a permanent post I replied.”

“I went to the doctors and said I’ve got a problem, I always have a dump every morning at 6 o’clock. He said what’s the problem with that. I said I don’t get up until 8:30.”

“This recruitment consultant asked me what do you think of voluntary work. I said I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

And the best of the rest...

"It's the same at home. Our lass is always fighting with us. She threw a lettuce at me last night - and that was just the tip of the iceberg."

"You knew I went out with Sharon, Vic. You saw the lipstick... near my eye!”

Bob: "Vic, have you farted?"Vic: "No."Bob: "What, never?”

[As a contestant on Masterchef] "It's a shoecake, a cake like a shoe, a shoe cake..."

"I have my power because I have just dined on Weetabix."

Bob: "Hey Vic! I've got me own personal trainer!"Vic: "Really?"Bob: "Yeah! Here it is... I've got to share the other one with the rest of the family though!"

Bob: "Hey Vic, I've found out who's been nicking our beetroot."Vic: "Have yer?"Bob: "Yeah, I caught him red handed!"

Bob [to Wolf from Gladiators]: "Wolf, when you were a puppy, did you used to chew your daddy's slippers?

Bob: "That's not a booth, that's a kiosk."Vic: "No it's not, there's no shelving in it."Bob: "No, a kiosk has a counter. Shelving, you're thinking of a pantry."Vic: "So what's a kiosk without shelving or a counter?"Bob: "That's a booth."Vic: "Exactly.”

“You pigeon-chested little abattoir creeper.”

"I AM THE APHID AND I DEMAND TO SEE THAT LEO SAYER CLIP AGAIN.”