RICHARD ORD: I smell a Christmas cover up

Thanks to a surplus of holiday time to take this year I was able to complete Christmas shopping without the usual Hollywood histrionics.
The unpleasant whiff of Christmas.The unpleasant whiff of Christmas.
The unpleasant whiff of Christmas.

Christmas Eve was the date I usually set aside to buy gifts which meant the day invariably ended with me diving, Indiana Jones-style, under the falling shutters of shops to get last minute gifts.

It wasn’t unusual to see me commando rolling into Boots to buy up gifts for everyone - usually based on the amount I was willing to spend on the various individuals.

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Desperation meant my choices were rarely made on suitability for those receiving the gift. There was, instead, a sliding scale of prices starting at a fiver for kids through to £40 for nearest and dearest. A man’s gotta have a system.

And that system meant the Indiana Jones action of rolling (dramatically) under falling shutters on Christmas Eve was followed on Boxing Day by the sight of me rolling (despondently) under the rising shutters to return the gifts.

I’m a bad man.

So what do you get a bad man for Christmas?

Given my appalling attitude to the festive season, I fully expect to be opening box after box of Dior’s best-selling aftershave Sauvage.

The fragrance was at the top of my list for most baffling TV advert of last year, featuring, as it did, a bedraggled Johnny Depp driving into the desert to bury some beads in sand, but not before looking rather moodily into the middle distance.

‘Smell like Johnny Depp’ appeared to be the message.

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A year later, and having unsuccessfully defended a libel trial in which we heard there was overwhelming evidence that he attacked his then wife, Amber Heard, who, you might ask, would want to smell like Johnny Depp now?

Turn out there’s plenty. According to reports sales of Sauvage were rocketing in the run up to Christmas.

Given the ‘wife beater’ tag you’d expect him to struggle to find work. Instead, he’s raking in millions. There’s even been a new Sauvage advert featuring Mr Depp playing guitar in the desert. I have it on good authority he is still looking moodily into the middle distance.

‘Wild at Heart’ is the tagline of the fragrance. If Johnny Depp is still the face of Sauvage next year, perhaps a more appropriate tagline would be ‘covering up bad smells since 2015’.

Merry Christmas!