RICHARD ORD: No use crying over frothed milk

As we ease slowly out of lockdown with a growing appreciation of our community, family and love for our fellow man, it seems only natural to ramp up our nuclear arsenal.

Wednesday, 17th March 2021, 12:00 am
Wait, Mr President, that's not the milk froth button?

Like you, I feel a lot more comfortable knowing what limited resources we have for rebuilding after Covid are already being set aside by the government for a new batch of nuclear warheads.

We’ve done a clap for carers, surely some sort of public display of support for the weapons procurement officials is in order. It can’t have been easy securing the arrival of a few hundred kilotons of nuclear bombs with all that compassion clogging in the air.

Clashing bin lids together in the early hours seems like an appropriate ‘celebration’. We could call it Bang for Bombs. Sounds catchy enough. And get the kids to stick crayon drawings of mushroom clouds in the windows for a bit of colour.

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Maybe Boris found that magic money tree to fund his multi-billion plan to rearm the nation. Labour must be fuming. I imagine Keir Starmer was just nipping down to the allotment to water the party’s wonga weeping willow, only to find a mud-stained Boris and Dominic Raab chucking it onto a low-loader and skedaddling back to Chequers.

To be fair (or more accurately, grossly unfair) the government has saved a few billion by cutting overseas aid.

And why, I hear you ask, is Ord suddenly spouting all this left-wing compassionate peace-mongery? What’s rocked his snowflake boat?

I’ll tell you what’s done it: The answer is … a milk frother.

Whatever socialist ideals I may have thought were a natural part of my DNA evaporated into the ether with the purchase of a milk frother.

In case you don’t know what a milk frother is. Let me enlighten you. It is a hand-held device for frothing up the milk in your coffee. With barely a thought, I bought a new one to ensure I have frothy coffees during the day. I paid £16.99 for it.

I know £16.99 sounds extreme, but it does come with an adjustable milk bubbler for lattes (LISTEN TO HIM!).

Anyway, my point is, no matter how passionately you express your views on the inequalities in our society, they will always be undone if you own a sixteen quid milk frother to make yourself bubbly lattes.

Am I right or (wipes milky froth from his upper lip) am I wrong? ​​​​​​​