RICHARD ORD: Thanks for the jab, but where's my doughnut?

If you’re wondering why that smug look had been removed after 4pm the answer is simple: Doughnuts!

Or, to be precise, lack of doughnuts. Two hours after my vaccination, I found out that, in America, Krispy Kreme was offering free doughnuts to anyone who could show they’d had the jab. The only thing I was offered was which arm I wanted punctured. Jabbed Americans get a free doughnut a day for the rest of the year! America: Home of the brave, and the land of the free, erm, doughnut!

As I queued up at Boots for my jab, I was handed a flyer offering shopping points. Catch was, I could only redeem the points if I bought a thermometer, gloves or some other medical stuff. Not the same as free doughnuts is it? Plus, I’m sure the offer was open to the non-vaccinated too. Is that what we call them? The non-vaccinated? I know we vaccinated people are collectively known as The Chosen Ones (or, as I like to call us, The Invincibles), but not sure if they’ve come up with a suitable name for the rest. I guess they must have a name. Something derogatory I hope. Don’t speak to them myself.

The irony of offering free doughnuts to encourage vaccination against Covid-19 is, I suspect, lost on the Americans. Being obese makes you more vulnerable to coronavirus. Free doughnuts for Covid vaccinations is rather like offering free cigarettes to people as they leave hospital after successful lung cancer treatment. “Thanks for seeking help, here’s your Lambert and Butler, one a day for the rest of the year. You’ve earned it.”

No doughnut, but I was jabbed. Got to be pleased. Though, I did get the AstraZeneca jab. Or, as it is commonly known, the cheap one.

After my jab I read up on what exactly had gone into my arm. I had hoped to read of an elegantly constructed chemical formulation that escorts Covid-19 from your body like an efficient nightclub doorman. Turns out the stuff they inject into your body is a chimpanzee cold virus with knobs on. Still, I am now jabbed. No doughnut, but also, no side effects. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel full of energy, climbing the walls with excitement, and I have a voracious appetite. Honestly, can’t stop eating nuts and bananas. Funny that.