RICHARD ORD: Vampire facials to keep you young? So long suckers...

At 55 years old I am, officially, entering old age. At least, I would be entering old age if I was holidaying in Africa.

Wednesday, 7th July 2021, 1:07 pm
Vampire facials leave your fangs so smooth ... and your wallet so empty!

The World Health Organisation officially classes 55 as the beginning of old age in Africa Don’t ask me why or whether Africa is on the amber list, I really don’t care.

It’s a little-known fact, and not one I’ll be trumpeting as I cling to any vestige of youth like a wasp on the windscreen of a speeding car (more considered metaphors are available).

As I career towards old age I can’t say I’ve noticed policemen getting younger, but I continue to be unnerved by the lengths to which people will go to reverse the ageing process. A few years ago I read about the rejuvenating properties of snail slime. You know, that slippy trail that snails leave in their wake? A company had bottled it and sold it to people who were more than happy to smear it on their faces in a bid to retain a youthful appearance.

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Given that this was a snail product, you’d have thought it may be slow to catch on. Apparently not. It fair flew off the shelves in much the same way as snails, erm, don’t!

Which is why I’m pretty laid back on the subject. I honestly don’t think there’s anything people wouldn’t smear across their faces if they were told it would knock five years off their bracket. It’s all in the presentation. Snail oil was served up in delicately-crafted glass bottles and applied with a dropper.

Had it been applied straight from the snails backside I doubt there’d be so many takers?

It’s like the latest face creams. The smaller and more expensive the cream, the more popular it becomes.

Personally I’d like to see these face creams served by the bucket load. Ideally in custard pie format. Applied by clowns. But that’s just me.

I mention all this because when walking through Whitley Bay the other day, I was stopped in my tracks by a new age defying treatment advertised in a beauty parlour window. The Vampire Facial! Vampire?!?

Is it for vampires only? Do you apply vampire blood to the face? What could it be?

Turns out it is a process in which blood is taken from the customer, spun around in a machine and then injected back into their face. And do you know why it’s called the vampire facial? I’ll tell you … because when you see the bill, all the colour drains from your face.