RICHARD ORD: Goodbye to the cool and, at a stretch, life-saving blue jeans

Clothing store Geordie Jeans was founded in 1978 in South Shields - going on to open ten stores across the North East. The King Street store closed its doors in 2004, and is very missed by the people of South Shields.

In much the same way as the shirt numbers of star ice hockey players are retired, so I retired my jeans this week.

Well, I say ‘in much the same way as’, but there was no emotional final ‘skate out’ before the garment was hoisted into the stadium roof to the rapturous applause of an adoring public, never to be worn again.

In my case, they were folded up and pushed to the back of the wardrobe. And they might be worn again. But probably only when I’ve got to clean the back yard. Either that, or if I somehow managed to soil every other pair of trousers I own. (Which means if you do see me in public wearing jeans, there’s potentially an interesting back story to be had. Either I’m on my way to clear out a back yard or I’ve recently suffered a severe, and particularly messy, case of dysentery).

Jeans, I’ve decided, are for young people.

I’ve worked my way through the whole gamut of jean styles and a fair few makes in my lifetime. Wrangler, Brutus, Levis and All Saints spring to mind. Flare, boot cut, drainpipe and skinny fit have all been draped on these spindly legs at some point. The nadir being my stretch Geordie Jeans in the Eighties.

The stretch Geordie Jeans of the day were the height of sartorial elegance (possibly only in downtown South Shields) but could also double up as compression socks. Not all jeans can make that proud boast.

Tight-fitting stretch Geordie Jeans have been cited as the key factor in reducing cases of Deep Vein Thrombosis in the North East to record lows between 1982 and 1984.

I understand too that their snug all round fit also helped prolong the careers of many a young soprano.

Anyway, jeans are toast. I’m embracing old age.

What next, I hear you cry? A tartan buggy to wheel shopping from store to store? An extendable chain for the door key? A rug to put over the knees while you work? Well, yes, to the last one.

This week I took delivery of a heated blanket to put over my lap while I work. I am in heaven.

Where once I’d have scoffed now I’m a convert. Sensible comfort now trumps looks.

If they come up with the heated outdoor onesie I’ll be first in the queue… as long as it isn’t made of denim. Don’t want to look stupid…