RICHARD ORD: How do you like your political potatoes? Half-baked or cremated?

'Hey kids, dinner's ready. Potatoes again...''Hey kids, dinner's ready. Potatoes again...'
'Hey kids, dinner's ready. Potatoes again...'
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod… and he’ll be able to sell it for, like, £100 and eat fish for the rest of the week.

‘Yeah, but won’t he starve the following week?’

‘Uh, dude, £100… for nothing!’

And so it is that Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has solved the current climate crisis caused by fossil fuels by granting 100 licences to drill for fossil fuels in the North Sea.

And to show that he’s down with the kids, Rishi said he was determined to ‘max out’ the UK’s oil and gas reserves, which makes him about as cool and down with the kids as a middle-aged journalist using the term ‘dude’ in his column! What next, is he going to wear a baseball cap back to front?

But vote winners are vote winners.

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The scientific world is divided on the subject of global warming. There are those who truly believe (based on indisputable data) that parts of Europe are on fire because of global warming caused by burning fossil fuels, and there are others who aren’t scientists but have loud voices watching the rain out of their front room window who say it’s not. Little wonder we’re confused.

I have a little scientific knowledge (I got a Grade B in my resit of O-Level Physics back in the Eighties) but even I’m struggling to find a way through this political hot potato. Guess it depends how hot you want your political potato.

A. Ditch fossil fuels and enjoy a fluffy jacket potato with a slightly crisped outer skin and a dob of butter melting on top.

Or B. Consume all fossil fuels you can suck out of the Earth and chomp on a glowing pile of charred potato ash, with your singed mouth, in a burning kitchen.

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On one hand you have the destruction of humankind, on the other the inconvenience of slightly more expensive electric cars and wind turbines on the side of a hill. What to do?

I mean, the potential wiping out of mankind within a couple of generations has got some people so angry that they’ve taken to walking slowly on some busy roads. It’s THAT serious.

And when I say ‘angry’ I don’t mean as angry as those who brand these concerned OAPs and students ‘eco-zealots’ and rip their posters up without listening to the argument, but, you know, ‘more than a little perturbed’ kind of angry.

Personally, I’m more worried about the North Sea. With all that drilling for oil won’t the ocean bed look like a colander. It’ll be full of holes. ‘Scientific fact’ (he bellowed). What if all the water drains away?

Guess we’d all be eating fish… and we wouldn’t need a fishing rod to catch them. Bonus!