RICHARD ORD: How long before McDonald's force feed us burgers through a McFunnel?

As a semi-professional doom-monger, I’m always on the lookout for subtle signs of a looming global catastrophe.

Save on washing your hands. Let us McFunnel that burger into your large intestine.
Save on washing your hands. Let us McFunnel that burger into your large intestine.

You know, stuff like the rising cost of living, hotter than usual Julys … and scientists issuing desperate warnings that those in power are dangerously ignoring risks the could result in the extinction of all humans. You know, the little things.

That last one, revealed this week, was particularly disturbing. So serious, it almost knocked Love Island off the top of the news agenda in some publications.

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For me, McDonald’s putting up the price of their basic cheeseburger is the surest sign yet that we’re all going to hell in a handcart. It’s going up from 99p to £1.19. Although I felt they should have kept it the same price and instead continued their trend towards full caveman dining – or Fast Food as they’ve packaged it.

Civilisation shouldn’t be measured by how much you’re willing to put up with. We have come a long way from the Stone Age. We made tools; homes; caught and cooked food; made plates, knives and forks. We advanced so far we even put salt in condiments and invented the salad spinner! And then McDonald’s started taking us backwards. ‘We can serve you cheaper food because we don’t give you plates, cutlery or salt cellars.’ Eating without knives and forks! What next, a trough?

People have started complaining about the 20p rise. They’re falling into the Fast Food industry’s cleverly laid trap. Soon there will be an exclusive McVIP line in their outlets for those ‘discerning traditionalists’ who want a 99p burger ‘without the trimmings’. And by ‘without the trimmings’ they mean no paper bag. Instead they’ll just chuck the burger in your general direction. Either that or they’ll puree your cheeseburger and ask you to suck it up via an in-store McFunnel.

I’ve asked for McKnife and McFork at McDonald’s before. They look at you like you’ve gone mad. “I guess a McFingerbowl is out of the question then?”

And so this dropping of standards and acceptance of less is pervading all our lives. Politicians were once expected, as a bare minimum, to be reasonably competent … particularly the Prime Minister. Today, we have somehow accepted an eccentric, untrustworthy, calamitous, hair-brained philanderer as PM just because he kept things simple. Bit like McDonald’s. Get Brexit Done. We’re Loving It!

I dunno, reckon we’re all burgered.