RICHARD ORD: If parenting were a degree, I'd barely scrape a 2:2

For those about to parent... we salute you. Isaac Ord (then 8, now 20) never too old to be embarrassed by his dad.

I ask because this week my youngest boy, Isaac, turned 20 which, in my book, surely brings the curtain down on this parenting malarkey.

I’ve written to my local MP for confirmation but have yet to receive a response.

While I admit that if parenting were a degree I’d barely scrape a 2:2, at least I’d get to wear one of those funny square hats and have the framed certificate to show for my troubles.

Twenty years of parenting (23 if you include the older one, the dark haired one, you know, old whatshisname) and I have little to show for it.

I’m not convinced he’s got much out of it either. Although I do have to admire how Isaac has cultivated his naive charm since youth.

Unlike his older brother Bradley (I knew I’d remember his name eventually), Isaac has attempted to breeze through life using only his mop of blond hair and blue eyes like some sort of access-all-areas backstage pass.

I don’t play favourites with my children, though I do love to play one off against the other (a man’s got to have a hobby, hasn’t he?). When Isaac would moan that I liked Bradley more than him after sensing some perceived favouritism, rather than dismiss the falsehood I’d tell him: ‘Well I’ve known Bradley longer, haven’t I?’ That would usually disarm him just long enough for me to pass the problem onto his mother. When Bradley felt his brother was getting away with something that he would have been punished for at the same age, I would use a different tactic. ‘I know Bradley, you’re right… but just look at those baby blue eyes. How could anyone say no?’

Like I say, I’d barely scrape that 2:2 in BA (hons) Flaky Parenting.

And on that naive charm of Isaac’s, wait until you hear this one. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday gift. ‘Dad, I don’t want a present, I’m after experiences… just give me cash.’

Experiences? What’s the bet that those experiences are vodka bottle shaped?NOTE: The MP got back to me on that parenting question. Apparently, it's just like the ever-rising age of retirement. In short, as long as you have a pulse and bank balance, the end of parenting duties increases by a year every 12 months. What a swizz!