RICHARD ORD: The writing's on the wall for shameless vote-chasers

Another fine mess that won't be cleaned up by the Government's on-the-spot fine mess.

On-the-spot fines for graffiti vandals being a particular favourite of mine. That’ll teach them. For too long graffiti vandals have been getting away with bleedin’ murder haven't they?

The police catch them in the act every time, then have to let them go with a request to turn up at court to be fined. That’s simply not good enough, is it?

I don’t know, are we being taken for a ride?

Surely the issue with graffiti is not the timing of fines, but the fact that we don’t catch them in the first place.

While I’m no expert in vandalism, I suspect it’s done by young nimble kids in the dead of night, invariably while hanging from the ledge of a high building or bridge.

Rishi Sunak giving police officers free rein to fine these vandals isn’t going to make a difference. They only carry out these offences when there is no one about. And let’s just say this new breed of graffiti-obsessed police officers boasting athletic parkour skills do manage to scale bridges at breakneck speed and apprehend the vandals, how is dishing out an on-the-spot fine going to put them off? It’s probably less inconvenient than being ordered to turn up in court at a later date to be issued with a fine.

I don’t know, is there an election looming? Getting tough on crime is always a crowd-pleaser isn’t it? Vowing to issue on the spot fines to vandals who blight or communities is guaranteed a cheer from some quarters despite being unworkable and ineffective.

Like revealing that vandals will be ordered to clean up the mess they have made (both Labour and the Tories are talking up that old chestnut). ‘And so they should clean up the damage they’ve caused,’ I hear you cry. But what if they say ‘no’? We can’t make them clean it up.

It’s just noise.

Like the ban on the sale of laughing gas to tackle anti-social problems in parks. I’m not against banning the sale, but you’re kidding yourself if you think it’s going to stop unruly youngsters causing problems in the community.

Unlimited fines for anyone who poisons rivers was another one. Yippee. That’ll teach the water companies dumping millions of gallons of sewage into our seas and waterways won’t it? Erm, no, that’s okay. If it’s been raining, then water companies can do that legally. Fortunately, it doesn’t rain too often in England.

Why don’t politicians tackle the real problems of today. Instead of a task force to investigate grooming gangs, why not a task force to pressure bread companies into producing self-righting toast which always lands butter side up?

Or unlimited fines for supermarkets with self-checkout machines that persistently tell customers there is an unexplained item in the bagging area, when there clearly isn’t.

Now they are movements we can all get behind… don't you think?

Your vote-winning suggestions will be gratefully received. Email them to the usual address.