Official Monster Raving Loony Party by-election candidate's message to Hartlepool voters
“I plan to knock Labour’s ‘red wall’ down with a loony landslide and replace it with a yellow hedgerow of insanity.
"I am a single issue politician, and have had a long-standing campaign for the ‘abolition of gravity’.“Other policies:
“The Houses of Parliament will be moved to Hartlepool Marina.
“To halt the spread of new Covid variants, all international travel will be by paddle steamer.
“We will enrol the Hartlepool Victoria Arms darts team to speed up the pace of the vaccination programme.
“Hartlepool Golf Club will be re-developed into an intergalactic space port.
“Visiting EU officials in Brexit trade talks with the UK will be required to wear a Darlington football strip to ruin their game.
“Return the British currency to pounds, shillings, pence, farthings and groats. Rural villages like Hart can resume trade in shiny beads.
“The Official Monster Raving Loony Party would create fifty trillion pounds through quantitative easing and give all voters free lunch and complimentary drinks for ever.
“All our remaining gold reserves will be placed on the last race at the Sedgefield Races in a bid to reduce the national debt.
“Coastal fishing will be made a spectator sport by introducing saltwater crocodiles into Hartlepool Bay.
“Vote for ‘Nick the Incredible Flying Brick’, your candidate for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party – You know it makes sense!”